Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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