Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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