Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
