Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
