well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
