Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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