i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
