Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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