it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think pants incapable of making pants work
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
