So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
