I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
