forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
