So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
