Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
