someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
