i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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