I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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