I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
