Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
