ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
