I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
