what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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