Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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