I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
