I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
