I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
