if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Duck Duck Cougar?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
