Your dad touched me again.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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