1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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