Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
