i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
