You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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