I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.