wakey wakey hands off snakey
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!