she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
