if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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