Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
