So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
