Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Be still, my beating vagina.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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