Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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