I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
