just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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