i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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