Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
