I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
