He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
