Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
