thus making me awesome and them whores
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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