i love accidental penises.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Of course I have a pirate flag
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
