In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
