So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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