I heard we made out
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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