I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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